Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
(We start off with the title card: “In honor of his very first episode, the Nostalgia Critic will now review the latest Transformers movie: Transformers – Revenge of the Fallen”) NC: This is the SHIT! Well, OK, not the shit, that was the first film, but this is, uh, uh, uh, ADEQUATELY SATISFYING! So it starts off, like, “There’s Decepticons all over the world, and we have to find them.” “Hmm, that crane thing looks odd.” (Makes the Transformers transformation noises) (He gasps) (He points) “Transformer!” (Pretends to be a Transformer flying in like a winged creature) But it’s OK, ‘cause a truck is there, and he’s like… (Makes the Transformers transformation noise) AND IT’S OPTIMUS PRIME! GODDAMN! IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE OPTIMUS PRIME AGAIN! AND NOT ONLY THAT, THERE’S ALL NEW TRANSFORMERS THAT ARE THERE AS WELL! LIKE SIDESWIPE, who I think only has two lines… ARCEE, who I think only has one line… AND JOLT, who I don’t think ever talks at all. That’s pretty weak. BUT THE TWINS ARE THERE, AND THEY’RE HILARIOUS! “Yo, man, how are we gonna (babbles incoherently)?” “I don’t know! (babbles incoherently)” (Laughs like an idiot) I have no idea what they’re saying. So they came from before. He’s going off to college. And his girlfriend says… (as Mikaela) “Say you love me.” (as Sam) “Say you love me.” “No, you say you love me.” “No, you say you love me.” “Let’s just compromise and say we’re both a-holes.” “Cool.” So this kid comes across another kid who thinks the Transformers are real… And I’m like, “Well, wait a minute. How can they not think they’re real?” “They had this, like, real huge battle in the opening.” But it’s OK, ‘cause it turns out that it’s all covered up. (Beat) Yeah, uh, the first film, too. That huge epic battle in the city where, you know, thousands of people were watching? Yeah, that’s-that’s all covered up. (Beat) Pretty lame. But the Decepticons resurrect Megatron! (He gasps) And it turns out he’s controlled by the EVIL FALLEN! Poof! Put a secret language in the kid’s head! So the kid’s like… (He goes crazy and bounces around the room) And so the EVIL DECEPTICONS want to get what’s in his head! So they send in this really pretty Decepticon to open his mind! Only it’s not a real Decepticon; it’s like a-a-a college girl! It’s a Decepti-slut! So Optimus Prime comes to save the day… And he battles Megatron! (He pretends to slowly get punched in the jaw on either side) KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM! AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, MEGATRON KILLS OPTIMUS PRIME! WH-WH-WH-WH-WH-WHAT?! THAT’S RIGHT! MEGATRON KILLS OPTIMUS PRIME! (As Optimus Prime, he pretends to be stabbed through the chest with a hand pretending to be a knife poking out the front) NOO!! OPTIMUS!! AND I’M JUST LIKE… “He’s not dead. He’s not dead. Nonono, he’s not dead.” (He cries and screams in sorrow) (sobs) PRI-HI-HI-HI-HI-HI-HIME! But then I remember when he said a long time ago… And I quote… (Cut to Optimus Prime from NC’s “Surf Ninjas ” review) Optimus Prime: I died for your sins. (Back to the review) NC: You sure did, Prime. (He sniffles and wipes away a tear) For the sins of us all. So they go to find this other Transformer called Jetfire... And Jetfire is freaking cool! He’s like a Transformer; they were all crotchety old assholes. And that kicks ASS! MAJOR ASSAGE! (Accompanying text appears onscreen) So Jetfire is like… “We have to stop the Fallen from creating this pyramid that’ll destroy the sun, and thus, create a bunch of other Transformers, thus ruling the world…” Or some shit like that. WHO CARES? SHIT BLOWS UP! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM! (Imitates gunfire) So the Fallen get on all the TVs in the world… And they’re like… (Speaks like Dr. Claw from “Inspector Gadget”) “Hand over the kid, or you’re dog meat.” (Still speaks like Dr. Claw with his fist raised as though wanting vengeance) “And I’ll get you next time, Gadget.” And all the people in the world are like… “HOLY SHIT! ALIENS ARE REAL!” And the government is like… “It’s OK. We’ll cover it up.” “Oh, Ok.” So they get to the pyramids, where apparently, this machine can bring Optimus Prime back to life… And this super-big-kick-ass-matron pops up! It’s like…5 Transformers in one! Holy shi—THAT IS SO COOL!! So I’m like, “OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING GONNA DO?” AND he’s only on the screen for, like, 10 minutes. (Beat) Weak. So we cut to people firing in the desert… And…firing in the desert… And then…FIRING IN THE DESERT! But then the kid dies! (He gasps) NOOOO—! I guess it’s not too bad. But then the kid goes to Robot Heaven! (Beat) I’m TOTALLY not kidding! Robot Heaven, where all the other Primes are there, and they give him back his life! (Beat) Weak. So the kid comes back to life, and he tries to use the machine to bring back Optimus… While they…FIRE IN THE DESERT! So the kid uses the machine… Rejuvenates Prime… AND HE’S RESURRECTED! (He raises his arms up in joy as the “Hallelujah Chorus” sings in the background) Optimus Prime (from the “Surf Ninjas” review): I died for your sins. NC: (proudly gives a salute) You sure did! (He sniffles and wipes away a tear) But then the Fallen come and take control of the machine! They’re gonna use it to blast out the sun! So they all continue…everyone? (Speaks along with the audience) Firing in the desert. But then Jetfire is like… “Take my parts, Optimus. I’m old and annoying.” And Optimus Prime says… “OK.” (As Optimus, he pretends to transform into a bigger Prime) And Prime becomes Super-Opti-Mother-Fuckin’ Prime! And he kicks ASS! MORE Major Assage! (Accompanying text appears onscreen) So he goes up against the Fallen and Megatron… AND…it’s over in, like, a minute. It’s like…(punches a fist into his palm and has both hands collapse) Kcch. Pbbt. Done. (Beat) Weak. So, yeah, the climax is a bit of a cock-tease, but, uh, aside from that, IT WAS GREAT! THUMBS UP! FIVE STARS! GREATEST ADEQUATELY SATISFYING MOVIE OF ALL TIME! And I liked it, too. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! (He leaves the room) (A few seconds later, Chester A. Bum leans his head in from camera left to look off to where NC walked off) Chester A. Bum: Dude, did he just steal my act? THE END Category:Guides Category:Content Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Nostalgia Critic Category:Hasbro Category:Paramount Pictures Category:Transformers Category:Marvel Category:Transcripts